So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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