The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
