my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My bed smells like the plague
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
