I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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