I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
