we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
