we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm just crazy horny about you
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
