You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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