They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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