and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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