Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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