i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Randomize
