I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
