He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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