update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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