Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
