Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize