bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
