i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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