her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She tied me up with her honor cords...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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