Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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