My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just sent this text using only my big toe
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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