I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
