I think my fart just growled at me.
the day after is always just damage control
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
