I feel like I'm in dance class right now
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
