Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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