Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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