He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
