If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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