Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I need a beard to bite.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
