I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
