You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
