wakey wakey hands off snakey
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
