It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
