I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
You ever have a fart follow you around?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
