that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
