Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
