Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize