My nipple is on Facebook.
i permit you to call me
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
