Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize