at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
