you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
