can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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