There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
