my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
