Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
