Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
