You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
