Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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