Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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