Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
