From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just invented taco cereal.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
