So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
