my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
