Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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