I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
