Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
