Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
