sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Randomize
