We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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