Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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