He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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